Wow! What a Journey.

Wow what a journey this has been. I truly can’t even remember when I started writing that book, it was at least a couple of decades ago. Probably 25–30 years ago. The things we did back then, I was probably a few years deep into it before my wife and I flew back to California to visit the old house and get the coroner’s information.

We were just trying to remember what year we did that, and she found an old receipt from the coroner’s office for $0.75 dated March 3, 2004. It was for 15 pages of copies at $0.05 each.

From “A Guide to Suicide” to Bonded

Back then the title of the manuscript was A Guide to Suicide, my intention was that it was to be a guide through some of the devastation left behind. That name stuck with it until this year, when the group at Transition Plus pushed for a title change with four recommendations: “change that title, number the pages, and put in chapters to break it up for flow if nothing else.” And more than anything, “get it published.”

Well, I did all four of those things. So lucky, or so blessed is what I really think to find the editor, through my Transition Group, that was recommended to me by my counselor, that was recommended to me by a work colleague at a job that I had retired from five years earlier and had just gone back to work for part time. All those things had to fall in place for the book to get released.

Decades of Silence

Even though the manuscript was 95% finished and placed away in the files many years ago, I still never talked much about the book or the suicide to anyone outside of my very close inner circle of friends and family.

A few years ago, I was talking to one of my older cousins and I brought up an incident where my brother had given me a good butt kicking in a fight that the cousin had witnessed. The conversation flowed from the fight to post-suicide times and my drop from the family and reality. He said something that still bothers me to this day, he said “we didn’t know what was wrong with you, we all just felt sorry for you.”

If my cousin, only six years older than me, his six siblings, and even my uncles and aunts knew something was wrong, then where was the help? Why wasn’t anything done?

The Barriers to Help

There were many reasons: no insurance, little access to outside support, the taboo around such issues in the late sixties, and, not least of all, me. I hid what was happening, kept quiet, and sank deeper into my own world, a world I believed didn’t need anyone’s interference.

Age did not change those initial thoughts or the metamorphosis. Age just let it sink deeper in. It did get less scary over time, but not less depressing. While I was no longer afraid of the gunshot or scene, there was always an instant sadness when it came upon me.

At 69 years old I still wonder what parts of it were real and what parts were delusional. Was there really possession and reincarnation? To me, it felt like it then, and it still feels that way now. Do I think I’m a nutcase? No. But the depression, the jumpiness, and the constant fight-or-flight responses never left. Since I was twelve, I’ve almost never chosen the “flight” side of that instinct. I’ve been fortunate that most people see me as the harmless old man I am and, for the most part, don’t stir up the ugliness I keep trapped inside.

Finding My Voice

Here I am, more than 57 years past the suicide and just getting comfortable and lucky enough to share some of my experiences. Nothing I write will ever be to say, “look at me, my PTSD is darker and uglier than yours” or the suicide I witnessed was more horrific than the one you are recovering from. Every suicide is devastating to everyone connected.

My only intent in this and through open conversation is to say, “No matter what we have been through and how many times we have turned away, our God will always be there and ready for us when we are ready.”

A Movement of Hope

This is the start up of the rest of my life. I will get better at helping others through the help you share with me. I am not alone in this; I want and need all of you to help us save others.

For any of you out there that think you are worthless and that your life does not matter to anyone, it matters to me and what I am trying to do for others. My editor says she has “always told everyone, that it is more than a project, it’s life’s plan to benefit many. God is good!!”.

I don’t know how I was lucky enough to find her. I would have never been able to afford this venture on my own. And it is so worth the effort because of all of you!

Let’s do this!! Don’t look back. Become part of this movement or any movement to quell the number of suicides. Understand and help others to understand that you/we all make a difference in this world. I almost used the word “make” instead of “help” in that last sentence. We can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to; the correct word is definitely “help” and I mean that in a lot more ways than one.

Thanks for everything that we are about to do. God Bless you all.

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If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

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👉If you or someone you love needs the reminder that life still matters, let this story be that voice. By sharing it, we can turn silence into connection and pain into echoes of hope that last beyond the moment.

This book began as a hidden manuscript and has become a movement of hope. It’s not just my brother’s story; it’s a lifeline for every family shattered by suicide and every survivor who has felt alone.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.

💡 Your story matters. Your life matters. Together, we can make a difference.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence.