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MISTAKES 2**

  • Writer: David "Joe" Sanders
    David "Joe" Sanders
  • Jan 16
  • 4 min read

Bonded A Brother’s Love Follow up to last week’s “Mistakes**” Blog. I’m going to pick up where we left off going into Chapter 6, Suzy Homemaker. But as I get back into it, I want to remind everyone that the mistakes don’t come with blame. In the beginning I blamed everyone for my brother’s suicide, including myself. At one point I was blaming people I didn’t even know and had never met. Just someone that I had heard made a derogatory comment about my brother after he died. There was plenty of blame to go around and it was eating me up. But the blame has ceased and has turned into a recognition of mistakes that were made.

Bonded A Brother’s Love

Follow up to last week’s “Mistakes**”. I’m going to pick up where we left off going into Chapter 6, Suzy Homemaker. But as I get back into it, I want to remind everyone that the mistakes don’t come with blame. In the beginning I blamed everyone for my brother’s suicide, including myself. At one point I was blaming people I didn’t even know and had never met. Just someone that I had heard made a derogatory comment about my brother after he died. There was plenty of blame to go around and it was eating me up. But the blame has ceased and has turned into a recognition of mistakes that were made.

 


There were key mistakes made during my visit, as well as during my brother’s visit the year before. At different times, we had each voluntarily tried to live within my mother’s family, and both experiences ended the same way. We came from a home with no real rules, and both of us had recognized the need for structure. What we found instead was discipline imposed by a man we hardly knew; a Marine neither of us had ever spent time with. Now that look back on it, he was exactly what we needed in our life. But at 16 my brother would have never been able to handle going from no rules at all to Marine Corp style rules. It was just too much for even me at 12. I realized very quickly that I had to get out of there.

CHAPTER 6_SUZY HOMEMAKER

There were key mistakes made during my visit, as well as during my brother’s visit the year before. At different times, we had each voluntarily tried to live within my mother’s family, and both experiences ended the same way. We came from a home with no real rules, and both of us had recognized the need for structure. What we found instead was discipline imposed by a man we hardly knew; a Marine neither of us had ever spent time with. Now that look back on it, he was exactly what we needed in our life. But at 16 my brother would have never been able to handle going from no rules at all to Marine Corp style rules. It was just too much for even me at 12. I realized very quickly that I had to get out of there. Back to the open arms of my father and the total chaos that waited for me. As I read back over this particular chapter the hidden message jumps back out at me, one that will probably have to go to my grave with me. As much as I want to talk about it, it seems to be the one thing I can’t admit.

 


The mistakes made here were from two of us, my dad again and myself. How in the world could my father turn a blind eye to this new friendship I was starting with a known drug addict, four years older than me. There was no part of it that was healthy for me. This new friend always had plenty of marijuana and barbiturates, along with a great knowledge of my older brother. Moving from that to alcohol was definitely an easy transition for me and once I was there, my father was again very willing to start furnishing the alcohol.

CHAPTER 7_FLIPPING JOE

The mistakes made here were from two of us, my dad again and myself. How in the world could my father turn a blind eye to this new friendship I was starting with a known drug addict, four years older than me. There was no part of it that was healthy for me. This new friend always had plenty of marijuana and barbiturates, along with a great knowledge of my older brother. Moving from that to alcohol was definitely an easy transition for me and once I was there, my father was again very willing to start furnishing the alcohol.

 

CHAPTER 8_TRAPPED

This chapter definitely contains the biggest mistake on Joe’s part. The beginning of a complete withdrawal from the real world and the creation of an alter ego. I look back now and believe what I thought was just a possession was just as much a split personality disorder. There were times when we just felt trapped within the same body, but there were also many times when Richard would not only share control but also take full control. We were both really trapped and couldn’t tell anyone about it.

 


That assumption played a huge part in the suicide. Alcohol and drug use contributed to a great deal of my problems and mistakes. But once I had mistakenly convinced myself that the world would be better off without me, it was just a matter of time before I would go through with the suicide. I stoked my own depression with thoughts of having no value to anyone in my life.

CHAPTER 9_THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF

That assumption played a huge part in the suicide. Alcohol and drug use contributed to a great deal of my problems and mistakes. But once I had mistakenly convinced myself that the world would be better off without me, it was just a matter of time before I would go through with the suicide. I stoked my own depression with thoughts of having no value to anyone in my life.

 

CHAPTER 10_THE TWO OF US AGAINST THE WORLD

My depression was getting deeper, and I did not want to be around anyone except the older brother I thought was still alive within me. The further I distanced myself from others, the bigger foothold Richard was gaining. We were spending very little time at home and increasing the use of recreational drugs to kill the pain.


We were coming up on the first anniversary of the suicide and absolutely no counseling intervention was ever done. I had made a few new friends, but only to get high with. I couldn’t share any of this alternate world with them, so they were essentially of no help in the way I really needed. The anniversary was bringing a new vision of the suicide I had not experienced before. I started reliving the moment the trigger was pulled and seeing the aftermath from two perspectives. The suicide was no longer part of my life, it was my life and I wondered why it wasn’t the same for others around him.

CHAPTER 11_SUMMER OF ‘69

We were coming up on the first anniversary of the suicide and absolutely no counseling intervention was ever done. I had made a few new friends, but only to get high with. I couldn’t share any of this alternate world with them, so they were essentially of no help in the way I really needed. The anniversary was bringing a new vision of the suicide I had not experienced before. I started reliving the moment the trigger was pulled and seeing the aftermath from two perspectives. The suicide was no longer part of my life, it was my life and I wondered why it wasn’t the same for others around him.

 

Looking back, what stands out isn’t any one mistake, but how quietly they stacked up. None were made with cruelty, only confusion, grief, immaturity, and silence. I didn’t yet have language for what was happening inside me, only ways to escape it, and each escape left me more isolated from help, truth, and myself. What followed wasn’t sudden; it was built slowly, through unspoken pain and unanswered questions that would eventually demand to be faced.

 

 

**TO BE CONTINUED ON FUTURE BLOGS.

 

**Reach out to me at any time.  I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response. Nothing scripted.    You are not alone, and you matter.

**Reach out to me at any time. 

I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.


Nothing scripted.   

You are not alone, and you matter.



If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.


Immediate assistance is available:


National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988


Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255


Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

 


💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love — One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes.This book is more than my story. It is a voice for every family devastated by suicide and a lifeline for those standing at the edge of despair. My hope is that it reaches the one who needs it most. If even one person chooses life because of it, then every tear and every word will have been worth it. 📖 Order your copy today : https://tinyurl.com/3h87mjy6 and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.



📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.


For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive. Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable. 📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

 
 
 

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