Apprehensive: A Journey Through Grief and Trauma

Apprehensive is the first word that comes to mind. I seem normal on the outside. Yet, inside, I’m always on the lookout, ready for what’s next. My mind races with multiple thoughts at once. I get easily distracted, often leaving tasks unfinished until the next day.

The Racing Mind

Visible signs of depression are not there every day, even though they are there more days than not. Usually just in the form of brief tears for no reason. The unseen depression is there every day. The incidences of daydreams, some are vividly graphic, and others are not, but they are there every day in some form.

I often find myself deep in thought, analyzing every task. No matter how simple it seems, I always ask, "What could go wrong?" This question lingers in my mind before I proceed.

Visible signs of depression don’t appear every day, but they are present more often than not. Usually, they manifest as brief tears for no apparent reason. The unseen depression is a constant companion. Daydreams invade my thoughts—some vividly graphic, others less so—but they are always there.

Medication and Resistance

Medication? Not yet, and probably never. Antianxiety and antidepressant medications have been recommended by every doctor and mental health provider I’ve seen over the years. The thought is tempting, but I’ve concealed my depression and PTSD for so long that I struggle to be open with doctors.

By the time I began to discuss my mental health, I was already on numerous prescription drugs for heart issues. I didn’t want to add another blend. The potential side effects haunt me. I’ve made it this far without them. However, I’ve heard from prescribers and long-term users that these medications can be very effective. It’s something I wish I had started decades ago.

The Weight of Nightmares

Nightmares? A few each week. Some last most of the night, interrupting my sleep with frequent startles. Others are just part of the dream reel I experience. Most of my dreams would terrify others. Yet, many have replayed in my mind so often that they no longer frighten me. Still, I wake up several times feeling that first keyword of this blog: apprehensive.

Walking with Resilience

No matter how heavy the night feels, the sun always rises.

Though apprehension walks beside me, so does resilience. Each new day offers a chance to breathe deeper, choose courage, and believe that brighter moments are ahead.

No matter how heavy the night feels, the sun always rises.

Finding Hope in Darkness

Grief and trauma can feel isolating. However, I’ve learned that sharing my story can create connections. It’s essential to remember that you are not alone in this journey. Many of us walk similar paths, carrying our burdens quietly.

When I think about the struggles I face, I realize they are part of a larger narrative. This narrative is filled with pain, but also with hope. Hope that one day, we can find peace and understanding.

If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone. Help is available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, walk with you, and help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org 📞 832-416-1177

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👉 If you know someone who needs to be reminded that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can turn pain into echoes of hope.

This book is my journey of silence, struggle, and survival. It is also a voice for every family touched by suicide and every person fighting unseen battles.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love: One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes is meant to remind you that even in unbearable pain, there is understanding, connection, and a reason to stay.

💡 Your story matters. Your life matters. Together, we can make a difference.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence.