SUICIDAL IDEATION

DEFINITION

The act of thinking about or a state of preoccupation with ending one’s own life: the act of considering or planning suicide. The first known use of the two-word phrase was in 1949. I must be one of the lucky ones, the phrase to describe my life was not even twenty years old when it burst into my life as a daily reminder.

DAILY ROUTINE

It used to be part of my private daily routine. I never talked to anyone about brushing my teeth first thing in the morning with tears in my eyes. It wasn’t until very late in life that I started sharing with just a few people how hard making a long drive alone was for me. And while most people look forward to some nice, quiet time at home alone, I just get inundated with thoughts of suicide.

MIRROR

When I am home alone, I hate to use the bathroom. Because the bathroom is where I find that ugly piece of glass hanging just above the sink. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ugly on the outside. It’s the inside I see when I look in the mirror. Every time I’m alone and walk into that little bathroom, the first thing staring back at me is the part of me that’s felt ugly for almost six decades.

JUST FIGURED IT OUT

If you’ve followed the things I write, you might remember that I struggled with the long, narrow hallway I had to walk down from my son’s office to the building’s restroom. And at another time I pictured the door to my small bathroom within my master bedroom. I was never sure why both the hallway at work and the door to my half bath at home gave me anxiety. Now I know, the first thing I see when entering the bathrooms is a mirror and one of the few spots that I can’t hide the pain from myself.

JOURNEY TOGETHER

In reading my writing, you know I had no counseling for at least a decade after my brother’s suicide. The only help I received in my twenties came during a brief, forced stay after I struck a police officer who was actually trying to save me from what I believed would be my first suicide attempt. So now that I have released the Kraken, maybe we can figure out a few more things along this journey together.

TALK ABOUT IT

Suicidal ideation is not a new thing even though the phrase just originated in 1949. Wrestling with thoughts of suicides date back as far as ancient Egypt before 2040 BCE, with one such battle recorded as The Dispute with His Soul of One Who is Tired of Life. The thing I have found that is most helpful in allowing me to deal with it on a regular basis is to “Talk about it”. Now, even the act of writing about it, seems to bring some clarity, and helps me to put it in the spot of my life that it really belongs. While writing this I thought of those that may not have someone in their group of friends that they are comfortable talking about suicide. So, I called 988 just to ask, “Can I call when I just need someone to talk to for emotional support?” The answer I was told by a nice young lady named Claudia is that they look forward to those calls. They are there for the people that live with crisis physically and mentally. There is one caveat, if you are having a medical emergency of any type that needs to be dealt with right now, CALL 911. 

SENIOR CITIZEN

There’s one thing I need you to hear above everything else: don’t carry your depression and suicidal thoughts in silence for decades. Don’t wait until you’re a senior to reach out. I should have reached out over fifty years ago for help. Instead as a child I was just scared, I tried to act normal, but I never felt normal. And then as a young man starting in the military, I was just too strong to need help. Even though I was drowning in triggers all around me I had to stay silent. Finally, as a married man with a job

and kids I had way too much going on in life to take the time to talk about and deal with my own suicidal ideation. Instead, I let it eat me up until now as a senior I am finally facing it and trying hard to come to terms with it. Do NOT wait until you are a senior to take care of yourself. Asking for help with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide are a sign of strength, not weakness.

CRYING

You ever watch a real-life program on tv, the computer or in person when someone is talking about a crisis or sad situation that makes them start to cry. What happens to you inside? Do you instantly think about how weak that person is—or go ahead and admit it—do you start crying along with them because somehow you can relate to the emotion of sadness. Crying is as natural to the human body as eating and breathing are. Being able to stand before other people and share that emotion is definitely a sign of true strength. I believe tears are one of God’s relief valves, designed for us to be able to cope with the difficulties of life.

TALK TO ME

I have to preface this section with the acknowledgement that I am NOT a counselor. I’m available to talk, and our conversation doesn’t just have the potential to help you—it helps me work through my own struggles as well.

I am available at 409-218-2378 to talk whenever is right for you. Unfortunately, telemarketers flood my phone, so I have it on automatic screening for people that are not on my contact list. Text me and give me your number prior to calling, I will pick up immediately when the phone rings. If you prefer to just leave a message I will call right back. There is only one reason I can openly put my number out there, that reason is you and I don’t care who you are. If you are near the end of your rope, you are the most important person in the world to me, I want to be there for you.

Believe it and believe in yourself.

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If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

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💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.