CHAPTER 9: THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF

NOTE: GUILT, since I began this new journey of turning the unedited book version into the blogs chapter by chapter it has really been giving me a much closer view of the book than I ever had before. Especially now that I have dedicated my life to suicide awareness and prevention. I have learned many things about the suicide of others that I had not known at the time I wrote the book. Something that resonated with me when reviewing this chapter for posting was GUILT. Within the world of suicide survivors, those that are left behind, there is a very common symptom, “survivor’s guilt” but not much talk about the guilt that the person who died of the suicide may have been carrying. As a survivor of my brother’s suicide, I know that we all had a world of questions as to Why? But I don’t remember any one of us thinking it could have been the weight of the guilt he was carrying. As his closest living relative, literally and figuratively, I was a firsthand viewer of many of his transgressions that could have caused massive guilt within his young mind. Some of the things I had not witnessed with my own two eyes, I later learned as I started repeating the same kind of misguided deeds. That thought of the guilt he had to be carrying hit me like a brick as I closely reread and prepped this chapter into the form of becoming a blog. Being the oldest son, he may have even been mistakenly carrying some of the guilt for our parent’s divorce. In any case, the world is never better for anyone, in any way when we lose a loved one, especially when we lose them to suicide. So here it is, the Bonded unedited version of:

CHAPTER 9: THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF

The bad things I had done in my short sixteen years far outweighed the good. I had turned away from the god my mother had introduced me to long ago. At just 16, the last several years of my life consisted of sex, drugs, alcohol, and hurting the people I loved. I knew it was better for my friends, family, and for myself to be gone from this earth.

I had been able to hide most of the terrible things I had done lately from everyone else, but I could

not hide the memories from myself. I had in some way hurt most of the people who loved me during the last year of my life.

I knew for a fact that everyone would be better off without me. It was the right thing to do. I knew it was. Now I lay here trapped in a younger brother whose life I have destroyed in more ways than one. He no

longer knows which way is up. I am with him all the time, whether we like it or not.

When we see our mother or father there is a hurt within them that I can see. I always wonder if when Joe walks up to them they can sense my presence. Is it my presence that brings on the hurt I see, or if their hurt is constant and will never go away.

I was so sure killing myself was the right thing to do for everyone. While alive I was hurting everyone I knew in some way. I was always a problem for them, I know I was. There is no reason for them to be hurting inside like they are. I wish I could make them understand how much easier their life is without me. I did this as much for them as I did for myself. I for sure did not want to bring more problems into their life.

Why don’t they understand how much better off the world is now?

But I can’t seem to get past their hurt. I didn’t know I was ripping out a large chunk of their hearts. Never having children of my own I guess I just did not understand the love a parent has for a child. I know dad loved me. He would do anything for me. I’m pretty sure mom loved me to; she seemed to care when she was around. Even as terrible as I know I was, they still seem to have needed me here.

And Joe, while I was alive, I was always trouble to him and hurting him in some way. Even on the night before the shot I had knocked him down in the restroom and tried forcing him to eat soap for calling my girlfriend a bitch. I didn’t know anything about disciplining a child, a good ass kicking seemed to work most of the time when he would get in the way.

How could my death have hurt him so much? Surely, they will all get over it soon. After all it is not like anyone really cared about me while I was alive.

Why should they care now?

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**Reach out to me at any time. 

I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.

Nothing scripted. 

You are not alone, and you matter.

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If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

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💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.