CHAPTER 8: TRAPPED

Note: At this point in time I was not sure which one of us was taking his death harder, me or Richard. I was no doubt lost with no one stepping up to show me the way. With one exception. Richard, just like he always had been, he was there for me. And really when I think about it, I come up with the same conclusion for him, just like it had always been, there was not anyone there to guide him up the right path. There are two things I no for sure at this point. We were both trapped, and neither one of us could exist without the other.

CHAPTER 8: TRAPPED

I am the stronger of the two of us and I’ll be making the decisions for now. He has no choice. I do not want to hurt him, but I’m stuck here too. If he forces me into a tighter corner than I am already in I will have no choice but to hurt him. Joe knows I am very capable of doing that, it would not be the first time, and I doubt it will be the last.

Joe knows when I want to take control he has to go with the flow or suffer the consequences. I know the devil is patiently waiting for my soul. With Joe’s help I have been able to delay that for now. If I have to, I will gladly trade him this little guy’s soul for mine. I learned early in life that the only person that would take care of me was me. Joe was lucky to be number two on my list. I spent a lot of my life taking care of him, he owes me this chance.

I wish things were different. In some ways I knew the rifle would make things final. After all, that was my goal. Getting out of the world where pain was constant. A world made up of disappointments. Why were

things made so hard on a kid so young? Was it really so hard or did I choose to make it that way? Which way was up and which way was down? Wow, constantly thinking through every move and always coming up with the worst answer possible.

I never imagined coming back into something like this. If I could have gone for some other form of help, I would have. I am sure glad Joe came in the room when he did. His young age, love for me and state of mind at the time made for an easy transition.

I know my presence is confusing him. He acts like he is not sure yet if I am in here or if he is just being haunted by my memory. Anyway, as long as he is not sure it makes it easier for me to lead. Little by little I am digging in and getting complete control. As long as I can lead, I am willing to try to co-exist. If Joe fights it, he can and will be the second life I will take.

Everyone around here is still in shock over my sudden and violent death. Dad is so silly. He wonders what he did wrong? “Everything”. Does he really think he did anything right? Marie thinks she should have done something while she was in the room with me before the shot. There was really nothing she could have done except get herself seriously hurt before I went through with the suicide anyway. My mind was made up. Now she will always have nightmares about the sound the rifle shot made that night, the flash of fire, along with the strong mist of blood in the air and the scene she opened her eyes to.

Joe is completely lost; I was his everything. He does not trust anyone else now. He still has to take Valiums occasionally and his dreams are filled with the pictures of our bunks from that night in August. The thing I remember most about that night is a terrible feeling of being lost and searching for a way to come back. Those few minutes between the shot and Joe entering the room seemed like an eternity. There was no bright light to follow. No beautiful white winged angels leading the way. Not even a group of black shadowy demons to take me to hell. No pain. There was just a feeling of lost desperation with nowhere to go.

Death isn’t all it is made up to be. Maybe for old folks that drift off naturally, there could be a light to follow. Or maybe even for people who don’t take their own life. I can’t speak for everybody. I have only really died once for real that I can remember, other than the many times I have to relive it in my mind. But being stuck in here with this little guy is surely not my idea of resting in peace.

I never sleep anymore; I never rest anymore. Even when Joe sleeps, I’m awake. I have to just lay there. I don’t get to float around and experience any of the things that a free spirit might get to. I chose to inhabit this twerp and now I am stuck. Just here thinking of why and how did this happen. I have so many questions with no real good answers. There will never be any peaceful floating around for me, just this awful feeling of being trapped.

Most of my time is spent wondering what I would be doing now if I had not pulled that trigger. I know I needed to pull the trigger. I did not deserve to live. I was just a wasted kid, using oxygen that was made for someone else, someone good.

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**Reach out to me at any time. 

I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain.

Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.

Nothing scripted. 

You are not alone, and you matter.

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If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

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💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.