TO BLAME OR NOT TO BLAME

First and Lasting Reaction

Blame frequently emerges in conversations about suicide. It’s easy to assign, but difficult to let go. People often blame others or themselves for actions or words leading up to a suicide, bringing anger and sadness that hinder finding peace after such a loss.

Who To Blame

When my brother took his own life, I didn't feel the need to search for someone to blame. According to both the coroner's report and the young woman who was with him at the time, he considered us all responsible. His final words were, "The world hasn’t been good to me for sixteen years." What did he mean by that? His mother left when he was ten, and his father gave up on parenting at the same time. At just six years old, I became his responsibility from that day forward—a heavy burden for a child of ten. But that only explained six out of the sixteen years he said had been unkind to him. Was raising me the real weight, or was our mother's decision to move out of state what drove him? Should we blame our father, who failed to keep us together? Or perhaps the 14-year-old girl who was present in the room could have intervened. Surely, someone could have done something to prevent it.

It's No One’s Fault??

The young lady in the room was threatened in several ways, including just the fact of hastening the inevitable. The mother that left us could not have known that losing her would contribute to his suicide. And dad was just as lost as we were, drowning the loss of his wife and daughters in $0.25 draft beers. And it couldn’t possibly be my fault that I had needed so much of his attention over the past six years. Was suicide and/or mental illness in our bloodline? Absolutely, both were fresh in the bloodline. My dad’s uncle had killed himself and my dad’s brother was serving what had become a self-committed life sentence in a hard-core state mental institution at a time when shock therapy was still a regular and popular form of treatment.

Struggles with Self-Worth

At just sixteen years old, my brother was already out of school and had been for three years. Finding a job was certainly possible—hiring teenagers was common and even encouraged in the 1960s. In fact, had he lived another two and a half months, he would have been eligible to join the military. There were opportunities available for a young man who wanted to take them.

However, he seemed uninterested in pursuing any of these paths. Instead, he spent his days drinking alcohol, using drugs, and getting into frequent fights, sometimes even participating in gang altercations. He always carried his chains during that final year. These choices reflected an overwhelming sense of worthlessness that he carried with him.

Despite how he felt, we all knew he was not truly worthless. What he needed was support and guidance to help him find his direction in life. Unfortunately, he was battling depression on his own. We did not recognize his struggle, even though, in hindsight, he had been unconsciously reaching out for help on numerous occasions. His actions were not a sign of worthlessness, but a silent cry for understanding and assistance that went unnoticed.

Real Reasons

I don't blame my parents for his suicide, but their parenting did contribute. His sense of worthlessness came from low expectations and a failure to recognize his depression, which quickly worsened. Mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, and PTSD must be acknowledged directly. Adults often hide these issues, while children may believe their feelings are normal or their fault, making it hard for them to talk about it.

Recognition and Conversations 

Most people aren't trained to identify genuine depression or other mental health conditions. However, as family members—whether spouses, siblings, or parents—we can notice shifts in behavior, habits, social interactions, and speech among our loved ones. These changes warrant open discussions. It's important to recognize achievements, but it's equally vital to address concerning behaviors such as withdrawing from friends or family, increased irritability, persistent sadness, substance use, or difficulty engaging in meaningful conversations. Sudden changes in friendships, work, or social activities can also be significant. While these signs don't necessarily indicate a mental illness, any noticeable change is worth discussing openly.

Reaching Out and Self-help

I have a close colleague who serves as a crisis counselor and leads a weekly group of approximately forty veterans, many of whom are experiencing symptoms associated with PTSD. One principle he emphasizes is that when discussing personal coping strategies, participants should refrain from offering prescriptive advice to others. Instead, individuals are encouraged to share their own experiences by stating what has personally benefited them. In line with this approach, I have found that writing about my emotions provides immediate relief. Sharing authentic feelings in a supportive group setting among peers facing similar challenges has also proven helpful. Despite these benefits, the process remains challenging for me because sharing that sensitivity is not an easy thing to do.

But with that in mind, the guidance I feel most comfortable offering is to seek help promptly for any mental health concerns, whether real or suspected.

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**Reach out to me at any time. 

I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.

Nothing scripted.   

You are not alone, and you matter.

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If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:

National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988

Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255

Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

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💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.

Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.

📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.