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CHAPTER 16:  I’M CRAZY, PLEASE HELP!

  • Writer: David "Joe" Sanders
    David "Joe" Sanders
  • Aug 7
  • 5 min read

NOTE: This was probably the best time period to have thrown Joe a lifesaver. Richard was having second thoughts about merging with Joe, and Joe had made a couple attempts to let our dad know what was happening. Maybe dad was drowning in his own grief, but one thing for sure, Joe was crying out for help and no one could hear him. Which brings us to the unedited version of Bonded A Brother’s Love; CHAPTER 16:  I’M CRAZY, PLEASE HELP!


NOTE: This was probably the best time period to have thrown Joe a lifesaver. Richard was having second thoughts about merging with Joe, and Joe had made a couple attempts to let our dad know what was happening. Maybe dad was drowning in his own grief, but one thing for sure, Joe was crying out for help and no one could hear him. Which brings us to the unedited version of Bonded A Brother’s Love;


CHAPTER 16:  I’M CRAZY, PLEASE HELP!

 

We have been spending more and more time away from home, more and more time living on the streets. We’re coming into the summer of 1971. Joe is starting to worry about the imposing anniversary of my death. There is now an apprehensive scary feeling starting in late June that turns into terror during August for us both. Then it starts to subside in early September.

 

We have been spending more and more time away from home, more and more time living on the streets. We’re coming into the summer of 1971. Joe is starting to worry about the imposing anniversary of my death. There is now an apprehensive scary feeling starting in late June that turns into terror during August for us both. Then it starts to subside in early September.

With this being the third year, we know what to expect now. Knowing what is going to happen does not make it any easier. Now a new problem is occurring for this year. October 29th would have been my twentieth birthday. Coming out of my teens but living as a fifteen-year-old is really bothering me. Am I twenty or fifteen?

 

If I was not trapped in here, what would I have been doing now? Would I have been married? Could I have went to Vietnam and died an honorable death? Would I have children? Could Joe have grown up like one of the normal kids that we both now thought were such losers?

 

In the beginning I was happy just to have a willing host in which my spirit could live on. Now from time to time, I had a longing for my own body. I knew I was twenty, not fifteen. Maybe I could have straightened out my life by now. Instead, I’m doing the same things over again that I had done five years earlier. This is stupid.

 

There must be some way of finding separation. I’m stuck. Is this my hell? Reliving disastrous teen years. Ruining the life of my younger brother all over again, except this time in a different way. Joe seems to take it okay. Even welcomes my being here now. He does not want me to leave him alone again. I know I have protected him from serious physical harm, but his mental stability is another question. I’ve got to do something to get out of here.


Joe has decided to let dad know I’m here. He can’t find a way to say it directly. So, he tries other methods. First, he writes or has me write in my handwriting a several page letter detailing my presence. Purposely leaving the letter out where our father will accidentally find it. In the letter he calls me an evil presence that is driving him to do terrible things.

Joe has decided to let dad know I’m here. He can’t find a way to say it directly. So, he tries other methods. First, he writes or has me write in my handwriting a several page letter detailing my presence. Purposely leaving the letter out where our father will accidentally find it. In the letter he calls me an evil presence that is driving him to do terrible things.

 

He writes that not only am I a part of his life but that the devil is using and punishing us both. He describes his marijuana use and alienation of the rest of the human race. Joe writes all of the right things that would lead people to believe he did not want me here; he is such a liar about that. He makes it obvious though that he needs psychiatric help.

 

When our dad finds the letter, he shows it to several relatives along with a sample of my handwriting. They agree it is my handwriting, not Joe’s. They also agree that Joe has really taken my death hard and has somehow learned to imitate my handwriting. They all know of Joe’s marijuana use now. No one ever bothers to talk to Joe directly about the pot or the letter.

 

It is better left alone like this whole mess has been. Neither one of us can believe that our father can sit quietly by and watch the loss of a second son. No matter what dad thought was the underlying cause to the problem, it was obvious that Joe was in trouble and needed help.


This letter is crying out “I’m crazy, please help”.

The next way that Joe tries to show my presence is by being jumped in the same area that I was cut up almost four years earlier. Joe also only received superficial cuts on his chest and left arm. The left arm because he is right-handed. Joe really didn’t have any friends that would help him find the muggers, and him and I knew it wasn’t worth the effort to look, since they didn’t really exist.

The next way that Joe tries to show my presence is by being jumped in the same area that I was cut up almost four years earlier. Joe also only received superficial cuts on his chest and left arm. The left arm because he is right-handed. Joe really didn’t have any friends that would help him find the muggers, and him and I knew it wasn’t worth the effort to look, since they didn’t really exist. When our dad found out about the attack his only thought was that it was time to move out of the bad neighborhood we were living in. Not even our nosey or concerned relatives could convince him of the possibility that the wounds were most likely self-inflicted.

 

During our third year of existence together, sometime in 1971 my father had moved us back to East Texas. I am not sure of why the big move happened, but maybe to get his family out of the bad influences and memories Southern California held for us. I wish it would have helped. It had a chance, but I was stronger than anything they could throw at me. I was in control.

 

In the beginning there were some nice changes for Joe. He was fifteen, had been out of school for at least a year and was pretty much completely lost when he was reintroduced to the church and the God he had lost as a small child. Somehow, I even let him go as far as getting baptized again.

In the beginning there were some nice changes for Joe. He was fifteen, had been out of school for at least a year and was pretty much completely lost when he was reintroduced to the church and the God he had lost as a small child. Somehow, I even let him go as far as getting baptized again.

 

We got a decent job and together were actually trying to adapt to this new world. It was almost too good to be true. There was no way I could let it continue like this. There was more damage to be done.

 

 

 


**Reach out to me at any time.  I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response. Nothing scripted.  You are not alone, and you matter.

**Reach out to me at any time. 


I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.


Nothing scripted. 

 

You are not alone, and you matter.




If You’re Struggling If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:


National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988


Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255


Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

 


💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love — One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes.This book is more than my story. It is a voice for every family devastated by suicide and a lifeline for those standing at the edge of despair. My hope is that it reaches the one who needs it most. If even one person chooses life because of it, then every tear and every word will have been worth it. 📖 Order your copy today : https://tinyurl.com/3h87mjy6 and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.



📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.


For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive. Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable. 📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

 
 
 

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