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CHAPTER 15: CO-EXISTENCE

  • Writer: David "Joe" Sanders
    David "Joe" Sanders
  • 2 days ago
  • 5 min read

wo years have gone by since the suicide. Richard is still lost, doing a lot of reminiscing about the time he spent with our mother just prior to the suicide. If he had not already been eaten up with depression and drug use before he got there, he might have made it out of his teens without taking my life or his away. But the truth is, he was my life, before and after the suicide.

NOTE: Two years have gone by since the suicide. Richard is still lost, doing a lot of reminiscing about the time he spent with our mother just prior to the suicide. If he had not already been eaten up with depression and drug use before he got there, he might have made it out of his teens without taking my life or his away. But the truth is, he was my life, before and after the suicide. Without him to lean on I would not have ever made it to my teens. If it seems hard to distinguish who was talking, Joe or Richard? And if it seems hard to distinguish what year it is, 1968 or 1970, that’s because that is exactly what was happening at the time. I didn’t know up from down. We were living in 1970, but my mind was always on 1968. During my first Book Signing event in 2025 a counselor friend of mine asked me how I had come up with the idea of having the book be written in two voices. I was quick to respond, that I didn’t have to come up with that idea, I was speaking from memory, that’s just how it was. So here it is from the unedited version of Bonded a Brother’s Love….       


CHAPTER 15: CO-EXISTENCE

 

Early in the summer of 1968, before my suicide, I had visited mom in Washington. She tried to convince me to stay there and work with my stepfather; learn the trade of carpentry and straighten out my life. It sounded tempting, but she expected too much from me. She had house rules. Getting high would definitely not be allowed.

 

The only people I knew around her were my little sister and younger half -brother, and they were basically strangers since we had grown up so far apart, with two completely different lifestyles. None of us knew in a few months I would be dead.

The only people I knew around her were my little sister and younger half -brother, and they were basically strangers since we had grown up so far apart, with two completely different lifestyles. None of us knew in a few months I would be dead.

 

Had I only stayed there, it is possible Joe and I wouldn’t be trapped in this mess that we are now in. Had I only kept myself clean while I was there, I might not be trapped here now. God moves in mysterious ways, quite often standing back watching our trials and tribulations. God expects us to just have faith in the fact that he will be there in the end for us if we will just believe in him.

 

Unfortunately, the devil does not just sit back and wait, he jumps at every opportunity he gets. The devil always has a lot to offer if we will just let him in. He will take care of us right then, no faith needed, what a joke. I knew I could not stay in Washington. I knew I did not deserve to be around normal people. The people there knew how to smile, make small talk at the dinner table and pretend that everything was okay. I was sixteen at the time and there was no way that I could be forced to do anything that I did not want to do.


Unfortunately, the devil does not just sit back and wait, he jumps at every opportunity he gets. The devil always has a lot to offer if we will just let him in. He will take care of us right then, no faith needed, what a joke. I knew I could not stay in Washington. I knew I did not deserve to be around normal people. The people there knew how to smile, make small talk at the dinner table and pretend that everything was okay. I was sixteen at the time and there was no way that I could be forced to do anything that I did not want to do.

 

Back to California I had gone and within just a few weeks I made my cry for help the second time around. I hate it that none of the right people heard it. I especially hate what I have had to do to Joe to continue my own existence. Two years have gone by since my suicide. Joe no longer remembers anything prior to 1968.

 

It is like he was born again in August of 1968. I did not mean to wipe out his memory. I am not sure if the memory loss is from the shock of that night or if it is from the development of our co-existence. We have some shared memories prior to that faithful day in August. Times that we were together, but I’m not really sure which one of us brought those memories with us. None of them are good.

 

Joe’s isolation from the family has grown stronger. The nice little guy from a few years ago is a thing of the past. He is easy to anger. Looks for reasons to fight. This kid isn’t anything like the punk I used to call my little brother. I could have actually liked this guy if I met him on the streets. He has a job and is working at fourteen, just enough to buy our pot. School is already a thing of the distant past. We didn’t remember anything about our last year of attendance, only wanting to get out of there.


Joe’s isolation from the family has grown stronger. The nice little guy from a few years ago is a thing of the past. He is easy to anger. Looks for reasons to fight. This kid isn’t anything like the punk I used to call my little brother. I could have actually liked this guy if I met him on the streets. He has a job and is working at fourteen, just enough to buy our pot. School is already a thing of the distant past. We didn’t remember anything about our last year of attendance, only wanting to get out of there.

 

The same evil that was inside of me is at least now a strong part of Joe. We now don’t like to be around anyone else. We do something to drive away most members of the family and friends, just can’t trust anyone. There is one cousin that is just like a brother to Joe, he is the only one that comes close to understanding us. Joe and I even prefer to get high alone. Our high is for a different reason than others. Being high to us is just being able to smoke enough pot to feel as normal as possible.

 

Joe is becoming physically stronger. Nothing makes him laugh or cry except his memory of me. He has become a mental rock without emotion towards anything else. I feel that I control our daily life. He is just along for the ride. I have always been stronger than him and he knows that.

 

When we were growing up, he had to even depend on me for the food we ate. I was the one that had to go into the bar to get our nightly dollar to eat on. In the 1960s one dollar would buy two McDonald’s hamburgers, fries, and drinks. Joe also had to depend on me for comfort and protection. He could not fall asleep until he was sure I was home to stay.

When we were growing up, he had to even depend on me for the food we ate. I was the one that had to go into the bar to get our nightly dollar to eat on. In the 1960s one dollar would buy two McDonald’s hamburgers, fries, and drinks. Joe also had to depend on me for comfort and protection. He could not fall asleep until he was sure I was home to stay.

 

I was even the person that had to write his absence excuse notes to school from the time he was six years old. Our father could barely write his name and was not around to write the note anyway. Most of the time dad would not even have known when we missed school. Now Joe even depends on me to help him breathe. Without me he is nothing. I say what goes and stays in our life. He is now learning not to fight it.

 

 

 


**Reach out to me at any time.  I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response. Nothing scripted.  You are not alone, and you matter.

**Reach out to me at any time. 


I am not only willing, but I also look forward to taking a share of your pain. Email: David@bondedabrotherslove.com. You will get a caring same day response.


Nothing scripted. 

 

You are not alone, and you matter.




If You’re Struggling If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help. Immediate assistance is available: National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline   📞 988 Veterans Crisis Line   📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255 Survivor Support / Crisis Group   🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

If You’re Struggling

If you or someone you love or know is in a dark place, please know you’re not alone and there is help available. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people ready to listen, ready to walk with you, and ready to help.

Immediate assistance is available:


National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  

📞 988


Veterans Crisis Line  

📞 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) | 📱 Text 838255


Survivor Support / Crisis Group  

🌐 https://www.crisishotline.org  📞 832-416-1177

 


💡 If you know someone who needs to hear that they are not alone, share this story. Together, we can create echoes of hope that outlast the pain.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love — One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes.This book is more than my story. It is a voice for every family devastated by suicide and a lifeline for those standing at the edge of despair. My hope is that it reaches the one who needs it most. If even one person chooses life because of it, then every tear and every word will have been worth it. 📖 Order your copy today : https://tinyurl.com/3h87mjy6 and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive.


Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable.



📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.


For more than five decades, I carried this story in silence. Silence nearly broke me, but telling it is what keeps hope alive. Bonded: A Brother’s Love : One Bullet. A Thousand Echoes my hope is that it offers understanding, connection, and even a reason to hold on when life feels unbearable. 📖 Order your copy today and join me in breaking the silence. Together we can spread hope, honor the lost, and change the future.

 
 
 

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